Tashan

Ok, I would never have seen Tashan had it not been for the fact that I had to review it. My research told me that it was a super flop; one of the worst cinematic debacles that yashraj had encountered in ages. But I had to see it so I started … Honestly I found the opening interesting … an english teacher being the protagonist of a hindi film, was novel to me. Actually its the opening scene where “kabhi, kabhi” breaks into the scene as the tail of a car looks like it is operating autonomously from its bonnet … seemingly being ghost driven or operated by a drunk driver which is usually worse. Incidentally I was intrigued that “Kabhi kabhi” was trying to elbow out an English song that I did not recognise and almost winning after the car cartwheeled into a water body, Saif, chose to tell us a story, instead of drowning. Hmmmm…

Before proceeding I have to say I didn’t like the film too much. It was too all over the place, and many other things. But mostly it was very confusing. So I am going to try and neutrally write the story first, then positively (god help me) review it!!!

Ok, so after the near drowning scene in which a hand holds a gun at Saif, which we don’t know who, he, Saif (in flash back) goes on to tell us, how he was this lucky boy, who taught English and worked at a call centre (joyfully) for a living. The first twist is Kareena’s entry into his life. Jimmy the flirt (Saif) meets the ‘bholi bhali’ Pooja (Kareena) who works for bhaiyya ji (Anil Kapoor) who has two side-kicks, Manoj Pahwa and some other similar looking guy. With me so far? I hope so we have along way to go!

Ok so, so far, we’ve reached the den. After some aankh matakka, Saif feels Kareena is ‘the one,’ wonders if she loves him, then she says I love you … and cut to song. After we are one song down - which is super by the way - suddenly Anil Kapoor yells at Kareena that she’d have been a mujrewalla without him; some incomprehensible talk about family vendetta and an unpaid debt. (Don’t ask me, I don’t know and certainly don’t care)

Ok I forgot to mention 2 things before: Anil Kapoor speaks the worst English ever, and he is Saif student. Saif breaks away from the scene on screen, to talk to us the audience, giving us hi version of the happening with his vishesh tippani. (Interesting at first, but veerrryyy confusing eventually. Imagine my horror when Akshay started doing that post interval. Ok will talk of that later!) Also have to say erhe because I can’t think of another better time to do so: at first I thought Anil Kapoor’s bad language was one’s first tryst with good fortune … where hamming paid off. But as the film progressed and his bad English got better, rather worse, rather better than worse if you know what I mean … I hardly understood most or any of what he said!

Ok so after the mujrewalli moment, Saif is confused and wants Pooja to leave bhaiyya ji but she can’t … or so she says! When Saif hears Kareena’s dard bahri dastaan … he offers to help her rob her boss and walk into the sunset with her. Simultaneously he has a briefing at the call centre where he learns that bhaiyya ji is a dreaded wanted don. (Just remember that for now, will come in handy later.)

The next we know, Kareena is a manipulative bitch (Saif’s words) and she has run off with 25 crores and leaves Saif holding then empty bag to face bhaiyya ji’s wrath. As a good bye treat, t o us actually sine Saif couldn’t really see her cure an aight with her hips, she croons, ‘na ladha na ladha, tu akh na ladha, don’t look at me like that mahi’ (She wears a bikini, looks super hot sways to a super song and sings don’t look at me? Yea right! Every one has their eyes, wide shut!)

Bhaiyya ji is livid that he has been robbed and wants his moolah back. But he needs help doing it … Cut to a ten headed, French beard sporting modern day Ravan (Akshay) who is the chosen hitman for the job. Bumbling Akshay is delighted that he has been personally appointed by bhaiyya ji to track Kareena and get Saif to spill the beans. Akshay idolises anil kapor as he ‘saved’ (note the parenthesis) Vikram Tiger the best don of Kanpur, where everyone in the film is miraculously from. After Vikram Tiger’s untimely demise, bhaiyya ji became his self appointed heir apparent and the idol for every Kanpur delinquent aspiring to be in the crime business, from then on.

Ok all this is revealed post interval by Akshay’s PTC. The interval point is, Akshay and Saif, battling over sound tracks in a red car … (kabhi kabhi and the unheard English song remember?) As they try to find Kareena, she lands up by their side, in the water body where they were all supposed to be drowning, but stand in waist deep water. Turns out she was hiding in their dicky, as its the safest place in the world! (Innovative)

So now, to keep from being killed by her ex, jilted lover, Kareena tempts Saif into believing she will share her loot with him and partners with him to throw Akshay off guard. Kareena admits to hiding a potion of the loot in Rajasthan. They head out!

While on the run, the briefing inspector lands en route and they have to dress as goras to escape his watchful eye. Kareena shamelessly flirt with Akshay as part of her plan with Saif bholabhala Akshay starts to pighlo but he knows she is an assignment. They are traipsing around Rajasthan and as the day of the plan finally arrives pooja, ‘casually’ asks bacchan (Akshay) about his lady love, while trying to get him good and drunk, to put her escape plan into gear. Turns out he had, and still has a torch for a woman who used to yell at him as he was a biji chor. His sad story is such that when Bacchan finally mustered the strength to ask her out on a date, he misses meeting her, as he gets into a fight as he waits, and is eventually put away in a remand home for two years, for attacking someone with his pen knife. Ahem you might say, but she pronto says she is his lost gudiya. The story is, she waited for him but instead of him (goluram no less), but bhaiya ji landed on his cycle with her dad, Vikram Tiger, and killed him before her 13 yr old eyes. (Samjhey the heroism was rumour and bhaiyya ji must have himself spread it! Wow … this bit is told to Saif after Akshay goes to Bombay without her … The thing is, when Akshay realises Pooja is his gudiya he offers to spare her life and keep her ‘love’ Jimmy and offers to take the money back to bhaiyya ji by himself)

The logic then in only the protagonist’s mid is, Pooja wants to avenge her father’s death, so she works with bhaiyya ji to ruin him. (Why she owes him anything I have no clue!) The flash back confession about her ‘really’ being gudiya, happens after Saif compliment her of being a brilliant actor and she gives him the story to ‘explain’ why the tender hearted child became a quasi Phoolan of Kanpur. Saif then feels bad for her new, past love, as he sent empty suitcases back to Bombay with goluram.

Ok I also forgot, in the middle of all this, some where, Anil Kapoor lands in Rajasthan, riding a scoter with a side car, speaking the worstest English ever, and as he chases the trio. In the same venue, briefing policeman lands up, and declares a coup: Saif was his plant! (Surprised anyone? I was more like shocked from the inanity of the revelation) he also brings along commandos who literally fall of the air, but dies before anyone can know his sole purpose of staring in the film! (Phew … don’t ask me why? Beats me!)

So Saif and Kareena land in Bombay. First it seems like Saif tricked Kareena but then he tricks Anil Kapoor. Major dhishum - dhishum later, nail kapoor dies and the film ends. Saif goes back to teaching only women, and Kareena marries Akshay.

Ok in my opinion, anyone who liked this film, needs to g to church and meet someone there who might tell them the words of Christ: father forgive them because they know not what they do! But let me think why might it have been a hit, at any level …

1. Saif and Kareena were being seen on screen for the first time after her break up with shaahid, seemingly owed to an affair she had with her co start Saif on the sets of this film. ‘Dekhye toh what is the fuss about,’ kind of generates interest.
2. Saif and Akshay were coming together after years. It was interesting to note, how this time round Akshay was the anadi and Saif the khiladi. But like the older film this time also, anadi baazi maar gayya. I think Indians have super attachment to the under dog!
3. Kareena Akshay chemistry was great … the teasing fun and a bushing groom and gundi girl made for a fresh view!
4. ok the film was promised superbly and any one who wanted to see a film about four beautiful people might have gone for it … with the added bonus of Kareena in a bikini.
5. I felt I had seen Anil Kapoorafter days to … I am not counting Slumdog…, though he pretends it’s because of him they won all those international accolades.

My source tells me the film did better in heartland India. Wonder why

1. maybe the skin show had some is appeal … Kareena with the zillion discussions of being size zero at the time, may have been a peg for the draw.
2. the language in the film, both by Anil Kapoor when he was not talking English and Akshay, who was the back door hero of the film … was very rural. The erstwhile UP though now broken into three states collectively still has the largest population density. Taking a leaf from the success of Bhojpuri films, one can only imagine, at some level they must've seen Tashan as an upmarket bhojpuri film.

Oh god that is really a terrible thing to say isn't it? True … But still terrible!

On a non sarcastic note Akshay made the film bearable … even for me. I refer back to my comment on ‘singh is king’ he is getting to be a hero who makes his own rules, dares to look foolish and comes out the winner. I feel the rest of the cast have to thank him for the film‘s marginal success.

I don’t suppose any dialogue was particularly memorable but at times the maddening gibberish elicited a smile or laughter arising for sheer horror I suppose.

The music like Akshay added to the tolerance quotient of the film. The whole idea was rather ridiculous … but then if it was intended to be a brain n numbing comedy … I suppose they attempted a different route. In my opinion it was a huge, badly taken risk. But if you say it did well, it can only mean it sometimes helps to zap your audience, they won’t be in the mental frame to really make an intelligent summary! Sometimes that is a n interesting strategy to use

Ok … you can either love this review for its madness and political incorrectness, or hate how incomprehensible and all-over-the-place it is: much like Tashan itself!